


perks of being dan howell

by blimeyphan (beanieklaine)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Bullying, Divorce, Drugs, High School AU, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Illness, Suicide (referenced), i'd be more specific but i don't really mention it. probably most similar to anxiety.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-04-24 02:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4901407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanieklaine/pseuds/blimeyphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dan howell is just a quiet freshman trying to survive after a rough eighth grade year. his thoughts are documented in letters to anonymous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1.

**Author's Note:**

> hey! welcome to my new fanfic. i don't think anyone read my previous fanfic, gap year. it's on hiatus, as i've had little time to write. this is basically just a blob of thoughts, mainly inspired by my own. i've got a general idea of what to write. thanks to babycakesdan and perks of being a wallflower for the inspiration; however, though based on similar ideas, they won't have the same plot. enjoy!

dear friend,

i’m writing to you because they told me it would help, maybe more so than the pills they put me on. they shouldn’t have- my parents can barely afford to, and the last time i took pills i ended up addicted and in the hospital. my parents could definitely not afford that.

i’m not a sad story. i don’t want you to think that i’m a sad story. i’ve had a sad start and beginning, but hopefully not an end. happiness is something i’m still working towards.

my first day of high school was yesterday. kids aren’t as friendly as they used to be. i thought that maybe chris, who sat next to me during drama class and always made jokes with me, might let me sit with him at lunch. instead he sits with the good actors, the ones that i envied last year. i smiled at him but he looked away. i tried my friend pj too, but he sits with the art kids now. last year he would tell me stories about faraway planets, but he doesn’t anymore. he’s found another group of people to listen to his rambles. and then there’s me. instead of sitting in the cafeteria, i sat alone in the library. ms pentland is really nice to me, at least.

my last period of the day was english. i was excited, but as _To Kill a Mockingbird_ was passed back, the girl in front of me told me i sounded like an emo version of winnie the pooh. i slouched downwards as the teacher, mr franta, quizzed us on the summer assignment. i knew the answers, but i didn’t want to be bullied any more than i already knew i would. the answers were sonnet and soliloquy, but instead of raising my hand, i’ve scribbled them in the notebook where you’re seeing these torn pages.  mr franta asked me to stay after class to talk to him. he asked me about last year, but i’m okay. i’m okay, right? he told me to speak up, but he understood the insults. eloquent, he called me, not posh. it’s sad that the only two friends i seem to have made today are mr franta and ms pentland. i hope i make a friend soon.

 

love always,

dan howell.


	2. chapter 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan documents his first week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! thanks for reading. i'm not doing very well this week, which basically means you'll get more chapters. dan is based on me, just a little bit, and so writing makes me feel better. thanks for reading, enjoy,

dear friend,

 

it’s five days into school. in the past five days, i’ve been shoved in a locker and almost locked in (i didn’t fit because i was too fat), had my clothes stolen after gym class, had my copy of To Kill a Mockingbird torn from the cover, had my head flushed down the toilet, and sat by myself in the library again.

i like ms pentland. she gave me some tea last time i went and told me about her divorce, her daughter darcy, and her friend, zoe. zoe works as a schoolteacher here, apparently. she teaches juniors though.

i tried to talk to a few people who he had once been friends with. they were nice to my face, sure, but bertie, who had always been the nicer one out of the four, sent me screenshots of their conversations. i think i’ll stay away from that now.

mr franta gave me another book today. this one is called The Fountainhead. i plan to start it as soon as i finish this letter.

my older brother adrian handed me a mixtape today. he got it from his girlfriend, susie. he told me that he gets one every week. i’ve listened to it, and i think i have a favourite song. it’s called control and it makes me feel stronger than i actually am.

tomorrow is homecoming, and my parents are pushing me to go. i think i will. i don’t want them to know that i’m bad again.

 

love always,

dan howell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw- homecoming is basically an american football game that the entire school attends. massive social event, really.


	3. chapter 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dan goes to the homecoming game and dance. a sense of being included.

dear friend,

i went to homecoming. adrian sat with his girlfriend. adrian is well-known, popular, and well-liked. he seems to like the attention. i personally think that he looks better when he’s not wearing his leather jacket and his stupid expensive sneakers. the student section was full of rowdy, half-drunk, half-drugged teenagers who were screaming, so i opted to sit in the parent section. one of the sophomores in my health class, tyler, was there too. he was really nice to me and sat with me the entire game. his boyfriend, troye, was really nice to me. the two of them invited me to go to a little pub, mcgee. as they drove me home they turned on music. i’d never heard it before, but apparently it was by a band called oh wonder, and was called landslide. i really liked it. it was nice to feel appreciated and valued for once.

the other day i got bad again. i couldn’t stop thinking about charlie. a tentative wave, a little smile, and a whispered goodbye. my maths teacher, mr skies, told me to stop living in my head. a shame such a pretty name was wasted on such an ugly soul.

in other news, tyler and troye invited me to go with them to the homecoming dance. tyler and troye did their best to include me, and it’s almost overwhelming to be accepted so often. despite their best attempts, they wandered into their own little world. i don’t mind- i’m not their responsibility. i wandered outside and sat down on the steps. i played my mixtape today, out loud, because there was no one to tell me otherwise.

love always,  
dan howell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spontaneous update. look out for those.


	4. chapter 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dan meets phil.

dear friend,

 

a new kid arrived at our school. i’m not the talk of the school anymore, the kid whose best friend committed suicide, has issues, and hangs around the two gay kids. his name is phil lester. mr franta, or connor as he’s told me to call him, challenged me to use better descriptions. he said i was too vague in my essay about To Kill a Mockingbird. he told me i was too talented to be writing book reports and instead assigned me an essay to write about the seasons. i haven’t started yet, but i’ll practice descriptions with phil.

 

he has blue eyes the colour of the sky after it just rained. an ashy blue. his hair is black as night. no, it’s not. that’s a cliche. connor told me to avoid those. his hair is the colour of nights home alone, when it’s too cloudy to see the stars. he attracted the attention of the popular kids immediately. i don’t blame them. he’s clearly very attractive, and he had such a confident aura. i wish i had that. he turned them down. nobody turns down being popular, but phil did. he sat next to me in french class and doodled a picture of a pokemon. i didn’t recognise it. i haven’t played pokemon since charlie died.

 

love always,

dan howell.

 

 


	5. chapter 5.

dear friend,

 

phil is a very nice guy. he had the entire class asking to be his lab partner, but he chose me. he chose ME of all people. i never get chosen. i’m the kid that gets chosen last in gym class, the kid that always doesn’t have a partner in group assignments. it was a nice change.

 

he talks a lot. he asks me a lot of questions. one of them was who my friends were. i said troye and tyler. i hope they think we’re friends too. phil smiled when he heard their names, because apparently they sat together during english. maybe we’ll be good friends too. i hope so. his eyes are a stunning blue that i want to see everyday.

 

troye and tyler called me yesterday. it’s as if they always seem to be together, like they’re attached to the hip. they asked me i’d like to go to thanksgiving at troye’s house. apparently his parents love to host parties and his mum is a great cook. i like good food. my parents were happy to let me go. my mum and dad are always tired because they work so hard, and thanksgiving is expensive with my medication. my dad smiled and told me he would be at home, watching football with a beer. my mum smiled and gave me a hug. she whispered in my ear that she’s proud of me for making friends. i asked her what she would do on thanksgiving, and she smiled and told me not to worry about her. adrian is going to thanksgiving at susie’s house. 

 

love always,

dan howell.


	6. chapter 6.

dear friend,

 

troye and tyler are some of the nicest people i’ve ever met. they’re some of the first people who didn’t bother to watch football the entire night. troye introduced me to his siblings. steele, the tall one who has a nice smile. sage, the cheerful and pretty sister. tyde, the cute one with the dimples. tyler introduced me to his mum, jackie, and two of his many siblings, alexys and connor. surprisingly enough, mr franta was there too. he and steele were good friends in college, apparently. mrs mellet and mr mellet, or laurelle and shaun as they’ve told me to call them, were extremely nice. troye and tyler also introduced me to some of their other friends. joe and zoe, the two sugg siblings from essex, made me smile. their cheerful personalities are really nice. caspar and alfie, the boyfriends of joe and zoe, who constantly made everyone laugh. they also told me about their other friends, who didn’t come. i’ve never felt so welcome before.

 

at my house we never really celebrate thanksgiving very much. at troye’s house, they really did, even though troye and his family were technically australian. we went around the table sharing what we were thankful for. when it was my turn, i said i was thankful for having friends this year, and for feeling included. there was a silence after that, and then troye hugged me. 

 

love always,

dan howell.


End file.
